Truth, Dare, Walk

So many things have changed/happened in such a short time. I am a bit boggled at the moment and trying to sort it all into the right useful piles.
Recovery
Co-dependence
Self-care
The committee in my head
See, I really had no idea that I would react this way. I was relieved when Chris said he didn't need a sponsor. I was in way too deep and I couldn't find my way out. So, he opened the door. I didn't like that he's drinking again but, from my own perspective, it was a relief. But, then everything shifted and it was so not about him at all. What the hell was I doing all this time? So much shit came down at once. You name a category and I had something undealt with to put in. Well, my pet phrase about diving under the wave only works if you see it coming. I, apparently, had no idea I was even in the water. Knocked on my ass doesn't really cover it. Looking at behavior I would have sworn I wasn't doing, looking at behavior and actions that I find appalling. Thought I had worked that all out years ago. Hmm, what do I always say? It always comes back, its just different. So, can it be so different that you don't recognize it at all? Yes! My shit, anyway. And then there was the fucking scary, violent physical reaction I had to the shit I was dealing with. Guess there was some impovement or my body would not have reacted so vioently. It/she would have figured: Business as usual.
And then there was the crap that I figured I would never actually deal with. Looked at it, acknowledged its presence, and decided I wasn't going to deal with it, probably ever. Wrong! What fun!
Hope I don't need to have this much fun for a really long time!